"Goodbye, Hope. (Goodbye for a moment, you bastard, but after this I'm never letting you out of my sight. The next time I see you will be the beginning of the rest of our lives.)

Every night for years, I replayed that shouted dialogue in my head, and now I think this may be what it means. Maybe Goodbye really was the never-to-be-completed beginning of Hello. I hope so, I hope so. Even though it's a meaning that makes the loss weigh more heavily and the pain harder to bear."

Source: Chapter 16, "Beneath Her Feet"

I'v been to purgatory and back. He brought me back. And then he told me Goodbye. If I were more egocentric I would have taken it for granted that the purpose of his life was to lead me back to earth.

He, with his ground realities...with his cricket and football and sportsmanship and being a good man. He with his "don’t think too much about anything" attitude. He was the epitome of goodness. He would probably have countless sleepless nights to boast of...nights spent waiting on and caring for a friend or relative in need. Nights that he would have to forget his own existence and consider the comfort of others above his own and all the rest of that crap. Not that he would boast about anything. He was as close to a saint as possible without actually being one!

In fact, he had to sin to get to know me.

But here we are. Miles and miles apart. Somebody asked what i missed the most about him. I miss his shoulders the most. He is a thin wiry man...you know...the lean kind...the kind that’s strong under the shirt. And he has exceptionally broad shoulders for a thin man.

When I hug him I feel ...cocooned. I feel like I’m sinking into a deep well of comfort and bliss. that even though its dark down there...deep inside my own mind.. closed out of the whole world. its more comfortable than any other thing in the world. A whole year later I can still feel his strong hug just as if it were yesterday. Memory is such a relief. When its not killing you that is.

I wish that moment would last forever. I remember those moments on stage...I would be dressed in something silly ...like an apron or an angel's attire...and i would sing and dance like the other ten or more 5 year olds on stage with me.

I remember the heavy curtains drawing apart. The bright light glaring right in front of you....and you know its the audience there. You can hear the murmur of the crowds...its unavoidable...its there. It becomes almost a loud buzz when you walk out to the front. For days you have been scared of this moment...and suddenly you wish...that it lasts forever.

That you could be in the limelight forever...that you had a kind audience waiting to applaud ...forever. If I could I would have frozen those rare moments.

Like I would have frozen my hug with him. Like I would have frozen his want for me.

Have you ever felt such a deep want within your body? The want makes you cringe inside. Makes you forget the rules of life…forget that you go to work everyday. That you have a widowed mother that you need to take care of…that you have responsibilities and obligations too.

"I don’t care if you said Goodbye. I WANT YOU. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t care if we are going to be outside of everything else we know...society as we know it...comforts as we know it....as long as I am in your arms....in your arms...as long as i can wake up to you every morning. I don’t care about anything else. I want you. I don’t care if we fought every single day of our married life. I don’t care if you don’t let me live my life independently...I want to pledge my freedom to you....why don’t you let me even do that? Do you understand what I’m giving you here? Do you understand that I am giving you my life?

I don’t want to hear anything my love. I just want to be yours. I just want to know that i am yours...and to know that you will be a part of every moment of every fraction of every second of my life."

It eats you up inside. This want.

"Falling in love with Vina, I knew I was stepping out of my league. Nevertheless, I took the step and did not fall on my face. This is human heroism. Of this, as of little else, I am proud. Male love is a kind of self-assessment. We allow ourselves to love only those women whom we feel we have a right to pay court, to whom we dare aspire." Source: Chapter 16, "Vina Divina" ,The Ground Beneath Her Feet, a 1999 book by Salman Rushdie

Did you assess yourself my love? Three years we loved each other....understanding.. no , knowing that we would marry… have kids together...that we would fight every other day and you would spoil me to make amends...that we would one day live far away from everybody else...take care of each other....and yes...grow old together.

I would pledge every valuable memory...every moment of love, truth and kindness...every moment of joy that I was gifted...to die in your embrace.

You aspired to have me in your life. You also chose to leave me.