(Title based on a documentary by that name which inspired this work)

She started preparing a glass of hot chocolate for her daughter.Maybe some easy-on-the-stomach sandwiches too.No meat. Would the hot chocolate be too heavy for her daughter's weak stomach? She impulsively threw the hot chocolate into the sink and kept a big glass of milk into the microwave for a minute.And then she thought again. Where's my sense. A plain glass of orange juice is better. She kept the glass of milk back into the fridge and placed the orange juice and sandwiches on the tray neatly and attractively.Flowers always help cheering people up. No...that would be over the limit..nothing to irritate her darling this morning.

Her daughter had a long way to recovery. What nightmares her baby had to face, the mother had no idea. But she would be there for her at this hour. She would take care of her.Like a mother should. Like a strong mother should she reminded herself. You are not going to break down today.You are not going to cry."She repeated it like a mantra in her head.

She straightened up her thin frail shoulders and efficiently made her way through the corridors to her daughter's room.It was a clean,neat,white little house. Plush with comfort at the same time not sterile looking like a doc's house. She had made it comfortable all these years alone. When her husband had left her with the care of this house and their daughter. Her daughter had left her too,soon after as a teenager. The girl had been 17 then.Young,vivacious and beautiful.She didnt leave out of malice or the lack of freedom or because she hated her house or her mother,that child.The mother knew that.The girl had left because she had so much promise...so much potential within her.This village was just not the right place for her.

She didnt hold any grudge against her daughter for leaving her alone..The years alone had made her instrospect into her life and her past. Into her successes and her failures as a wife,a mother and a woman. She wasnt both now. She had to fill in her role as a woman.She did it with what little knowledge she had of her world. She decorated and made her house a more comfortable place to live in.For whom she wondered. But thats all she knew to do.

And now her baby was back. Not a baby anymore.She was 29 years old now. Oh God how fast time flew.It was 12 years back when her chirpy talented young daughter had run out of the house without having her breakfast once again...saying "Mom,no dinner for me tonight...I'm sleeping over at Ann's house."
Her wait began from that night.Her wait for her beautiful smart talented young daughter of hers.She waited until 5 pm the next evening to call to Ann's house.She didnt want to disturb her with whatever she was doing.She was sure her daughter would be working on some new project of hers.She was a born artist.The mother knew that...and she hated to be disturbed. When Ann told her that her daughter had never been there for at least 5 days now, she kept the phone and sat down.She knew what could have happened.She couldnt believe and refused to admit it.She called the police..did all she could.After a few months she just stopped doing anything.She knew in her heart that her daughter was alive and well.That her daughter would have had to face difficulties but then,one day she would be famous.People called her foolish.But she was a mother.She knew her daughter was alive.She just knew it.

A year later she got a letter written on cheap yellowish paper with a pencil for some reason.Reminded her of the 1st grade alphabets in colour pencil that her baby used to write.
Her 18 yr old daughter said "Mom, I'm sorry for the pain i'v caused you.I love you so much.I know you are a strong woman and you will survive. I have my life mama.And i need to live it alone. I knew i wouldnt be able to convince you to let go of me. I had to leave.I'v joined the theatre here. There's a young group here thats involved in the cause of literacy for the masses. They roam around in villages and speak to the villagers through their plays. I'm invloved with the art direction for the team.Mama, I cant tell you where I am. I'm happy.That's all i can tell you.I know that will make you happy too."

And now...after 12 years,her baby girl was back.

She walked into the well lighted white painted room. She saw the form sleeping under the white sheets cushioned by the white pillows. How heavenly her daughter looked.Just as she was the day she had left at the age of 17.Her light hair looked just the same. The mother straightened her shoulders just a bit more,betraying no sign of weakness from her exterior. She sat next to the girl and pulled her sheet a bit to look at her sleeping face.She was shocked back into reality.

Her baby's face was as white as the sheet that covered it.Her lips were...grey..dead grey.It reminded her of her husband on his deathbed.Tears stained the pallid sunken cheeks of her daughter's face.Her eyes slowly opened.The pain in them drawing a searing pain in her mother's heart.The mother held back the sudden choking surge of tears that rose up in her body.With infinite strength,patience and love she smiled at her daughter.This was her daughter's time to heal.Whatever had happened to her in the outside world, she could come back here.This was her home.And her mother would give her nothing but love.If the daughter wanted her to listen she would.She would be there as a strong pillar of support for her daughter.She asked her. "Baby? Would you like some sandwiches to eat darling? It will make you stronger..Or if you dont want it..there's some orange juice! I know you love orange juice...I still remember how you used to throw your beautiful little tantrums for ..."
The daughter started to sob.The sound started as a weird ejaculation of air from her throat.It progressed into deep drawn sighs...And finally conculded in sobs..she bawled like a baby in the arms of her mother.Which she was in.The mother fought against her tears like no woman ever could,restrained herself and hugged her girl. "Oh Mama...i should have run back to you years ago...I should have come back to my mother...but i couldnt mama..i couldnt show you how big a failure your daughter had become in the real world.I just couldnt come back empty handed.Oh Mama the pain iv been through, away from home....the pain...the suffering..." her daughter's ex-pression suddenly collapsed.That was the right word for it.Collapsed.Her eyebrows went limp, her eyes dropped to ex-pressionlessly into their sockets, her lips sagged.She was giving up her mother knew...she was giving up.

She hugged more tightly."No baby, you are with me. You are with your mother. You are my beautiful baby whatever happens in the outside world.Nobody can ever take that away from us.You are safe here in my arms. It doesnt matter...it doesnt matter how you got those scars on your body and your soul.Its all going to be ok now baby....you are in mama's hands...its all going to be ok now.Darling? Look at me....look at me now...See what iv made for you.Have some of this.You are going to be strong again. See I'll give it to you in your mouth.Open your mouth..take this..." The daughter's eyes wandered back to her mother's face.Her eyes cringed in tears and her lips widened into a broad uncontrollable smile.She said "O mama..." and opened her mouth to eat the offered sandwich. She realized how hungry she actually was and ate the rest of it too fast.Her mother was alarmed...My baby...how long had she gone hungry! No no..dont lose it.Dont think too much now. She thought swiftly,what else can i give her.She ran to her fridge and brought back the chocolates she had bought for the kids in church. Her daughter took them eagerly and ate them too...Her mother was over joyed.Then her baby said she was tired and wanted to sleep for some more time.Oh yes sure..you have to sleep baby..we can talk some other time! There was so much to catch up on..yes we can talk some other...her baby had already fallen asleep...cradled in the love of her mother.

She ran back to the kitchen. Oh God there was nothing in this house. She called up the boy who helped her with her household stuff and gave him a list of things to buy. She could bake a cake by the time he got back.Or maybe she could make some warm sweetmeat...oh Christ what could she do.
She ran about her house doing things and not forgetting to check on her sleeping daughter intermittently.She was so happy and excited.She called all her friends and relatives,paid short visits to her neighbours saying "My baby is back! Yes she is sleeping..she was ill..But now she's going to be just fine.Oh yes she is still so beautiful and healthy and happy my little girl.Oh let me go back,she will wake up any minute."

Her daughter was awake in the meant time.She tried to slowly raise her head from her pillow.The comfort of this bed was heaven and she could sleep on it for all eternity.But she had to wake up.For her mother. It was 12 years...and she hoped she still had the ability to take care of her mother like she should have done.She woke up slowly and painstakingly..it was almost as though she was glued to the bed.Her hair stuck in wet strands to the pillow and she pried herself up from the bed.She muscles felt like cement.Immovable and inflexible.She was so so tired.
She looked down and she saw she was wearing a clean white shirt and she kept her feet on the floor.She remembered nothing after that night(how many days was it now?) when she was prepared to take her own life and changed her mind and just came home.Walked home in the rain.Oh God that was the only right decision she had made in years.

She stood up slowly and steadily and looked outside the window.There her mother was running back from the neighbour's house.She would be here in a minute.She knew she was going to hug her mother when she came in.She hoped they would never be separated again in her life.She waited for the door to her room to open.

Relationships kind of stabilise with age.Mellow up and strengthen in such a way that everybody knows where they stand.Love turns to friendship...friendship turns to love...and everything is built to last.Not just for a day or a couple of days...but for an eternity.

She saw him online after a long time....They chatted and laughed in mirth for quite some time.Her dormant affection for him was kindled...in fact she even lent a sympathetic ear when he lamented on his unsuccesful love affair.

She asked him....

"Do you still remember me when it rains?"

No reply from his side for 5 seconds.And so that appearances are not lost...she says

"The guy in Grey's anatomy is too good"

He says "Which guy" And she says goes on to relate about McDreamy.

Then she asks again..."So you didnt answer me.Do you?"

"Do you what?"

"Do you still remember me when it rains....?"

...She looks away from her screen and in a second...listening to the raindrops pattering outside her window...she remembers the day she waited outside the stadium for him. Her hair was wet and she was worried.The one day they get to spend alone with each other, she had to look like a wet hen.Well anyway there was his car just around the corner. She got in...shyly looked at him and smiled...he smiled too...the few seconds that he looked at her that is. He was the cold distant type...the type that attracted her the most.They bought some chips and coke. This whole day was theirs to spend. Theirs to remember for the rest of their lives.

Time moved on very fast,it seemed,that day. Talking talking talking...reading books that they had a mutual liking for..seeing his old photo albums...such a sweet day it was....and at 4,it started drizzling. They took it as a sign. They shared a deep love for rain,you see.She remembered him say "The rain reminds me of you.Reminds me of those nights that we were together on the phone....for hours on end.I think thats how its going to be forever.Everytime i hear the sound of rain i will remember you."

She knew exactly how he felt.She remembered the sound of rain..the smell of it...the sheer magic of it.So many nights spent on the phone lowering her voice to a whisper lest her mother caught her....listening together to the sound of rain outside their windows...weaving those fantasies that they would never forget....Their perfect dream home.Their attraction for each other and their fiery already adulterous romance.They had so much to talk about those days.

The day ended just as it should. With soft and sweet finality.That was the first and last time they were ever alone together.There was rain in the beginning and rain in the end. In fact if they had to choose a theme for their relationship it would most definitely be rain!!

The years had their effect on them.Drew them apart physically and mentally too.But their friendship was never affected at any point of time. They would always be in touch.

And so she zapped back to her laptop screen. She saw his single worded reply to her question if he still remembered her when it rained.

He simply said "No."

Well...she didnt have the right to be disappointed you know. She had to expect it. They were so far apart now.

Except she still remembered him when it rained you see.

And he went on to justify his statement."You know I dont associate anyone with rain.I have always been in love with rain and i enjoy it that way."

Hmm ...she thought. Well thats what years and years of staying apart and mutiple relationships do to people.They change. No blaming anybody for that. Just accept it and move on.It is a sad life when nothing pure and true will ever last for long.Cant be helped.

He took quite a long pause and went on... And she knew he had a smile on his naughty face when he said this.

"So.Rather than me thinking of you when i see the rain, I remember the rain when i think of you."

They laughed together then. Nobody forgets love and rain. And everything was right with the world again.

"Goodbye, Hope. (Goodbye for a moment, you bastard, but after this I'm never letting you out of my sight. The next time I see you will be the beginning of the rest of our lives.)

Every night for years, I replayed that shouted dialogue in my head, and now I think this may be what it means. Maybe Goodbye really was the never-to-be-completed beginning of Hello. I hope so, I hope so. Even though it's a meaning that makes the loss weigh more heavily and the pain harder to bear."

Source: Chapter 16, "Beneath Her Feet"

I'v been to purgatory and back. He brought me back. And then he told me Goodbye. If I were more egocentric I would have taken it for granted that the purpose of his life was to lead me back to earth.

He, with his ground realities...with his cricket and football and sportsmanship and being a good man. He with his "don’t think too much about anything" attitude. He was the epitome of goodness. He would probably have countless sleepless nights to boast of...nights spent waiting on and caring for a friend or relative in need. Nights that he would have to forget his own existence and consider the comfort of others above his own and all the rest of that crap. Not that he would boast about anything. He was as close to a saint as possible without actually being one!

In fact, he had to sin to get to know me.

But here we are. Miles and miles apart. Somebody asked what i missed the most about him. I miss his shoulders the most. He is a thin wiry man...you know...the lean kind...the kind that’s strong under the shirt. And he has exceptionally broad shoulders for a thin man.

When I hug him I feel ...cocooned. I feel like I’m sinking into a deep well of comfort and bliss. that even though its dark down there...deep inside my own mind.. closed out of the whole world. its more comfortable than any other thing in the world. A whole year later I can still feel his strong hug just as if it were yesterday. Memory is such a relief. When its not killing you that is.

I wish that moment would last forever. I remember those moments on stage...I would be dressed in something silly ...like an apron or an angel's attire...and i would sing and dance like the other ten or more 5 year olds on stage with me.

I remember the heavy curtains drawing apart. The bright light glaring right in front of you....and you know its the audience there. You can hear the murmur of the crowds...its unavoidable...its there. It becomes almost a loud buzz when you walk out to the front. For days you have been scared of this moment...and suddenly you wish...that it lasts forever.

That you could be in the limelight forever...that you had a kind audience waiting to applaud ...forever. If I could I would have frozen those rare moments.

Like I would have frozen my hug with him. Like I would have frozen his want for me.

Have you ever felt such a deep want within your body? The want makes you cringe inside. Makes you forget the rules of life…forget that you go to work everyday. That you have a widowed mother that you need to take care of…that you have responsibilities and obligations too.

"I don’t care if you said Goodbye. I WANT YOU. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t care if we are going to be outside of everything else we know...society as we know it...comforts as we know it....as long as I am in your arms....in your arms...as long as i can wake up to you every morning. I don’t care about anything else. I want you. I don’t care if we fought every single day of our married life. I don’t care if you don’t let me live my life independently...I want to pledge my freedom to you....why don’t you let me even do that? Do you understand what I’m giving you here? Do you understand that I am giving you my life?

I don’t want to hear anything my love. I just want to be yours. I just want to know that i am yours...and to know that you will be a part of every moment of every fraction of every second of my life."

It eats you up inside. This want.

"Falling in love with Vina, I knew I was stepping out of my league. Nevertheless, I took the step and did not fall on my face. This is human heroism. Of this, as of little else, I am proud. Male love is a kind of self-assessment. We allow ourselves to love only those women whom we feel we have a right to pay court, to whom we dare aspire." Source: Chapter 16, "Vina Divina" ,The Ground Beneath Her Feet, a 1999 book by Salman Rushdie

Did you assess yourself my love? Three years we loved each other....understanding.. no , knowing that we would marry… have kids together...that we would fight every other day and you would spoil me to make amends...that we would one day live far away from everybody else...take care of each other....and yes...grow old together.

I would pledge every valuable memory...every moment of love, truth and kindness...every moment of joy that I was gifted...to die in your embrace.

You aspired to have me in your life. You also chose to leave me.

She was a thoughtful young girl of 10.She looked silent and observant from outside. But the colours in her mind were so vivid and deep. The smells so strongly registered and the sights so distinctly lodged in her memory…she would not forget them for years to come.

She was on her way to school that day with her grandpa. They were in an auto and she was lost in her world of colours as usual. She was looking out at the rain.

She remembered her aunt say that people usually disliked the darkness before the rain….but that her aunt loved it. The vision of chitta(aunt) sitting beautifully at the dark wooden table at her in-laws house flooded her mind. Along with the vision came the memory of chitta in her white cotton saree in an apparently lazy wrap…and she remembered thinking how neat it actually was. There was that neat cotton smell about her…and her hair smelled of fresh henna. She remembered the cool black oxide floor….the big wide Russian short story book that chitta was reading out to her….a loving smile on her face…but her eyes set heavy with pain, the pain that an unhappy marriage and an obsessive husband had gifted her.

That’s what she remembered….whenever she saw the dark clouds heavy with rain. She remembered those sad and beautiful moments with her aunt.

The smell of rain was so different from anything else in the world. It was the most beautiful thing that she had ever known. It would create this deep yearning within her…a longing for something more beautiful still...The essence of the appeal that rain had for her was that the goal was somewhere far away. But it gave her the satisfaction that she owned it. She did not have to hurry…

Wrapped up in her own world that rainy morning, her attention was drawn by the girl on the road. She was dirty and dressed in rags. She had an almost insignificant face; an almost surly frown adorned her countenance. She was holding out her hand to two young men in a dark, dingy bus stop. The men giggled revoltingly and one of them caught hold of her hand… prompted by some inexplicable perversion. She drew back for a second…and then held out her hand again…albeit in fear. The men laughed again at her helplessness…knowing that she would do as she was told…she would continue holding out her hand as long as she saw that there was a chance of expecting some coins to fall in them. The girl in the auto suddenly understood the surly ex-pression in the street child’s face.

In a few seconds she was away from the scene….physically. But she never forgot it. The memory got embedded in the fabric of her mind...hidden carefully under lock and key, to be retrieved at a later date when she would decide to do something.

When she would decide to do something for the girl child who suffered on the streets…for the woman who suffered incarcerated within the four walls of her own home….for the thwarted intellect that never got to see the light of day.She could see herself clearly,years ahead,thinking about this day.The image of the future was as deep and vivid as the images of the past.

She looked away and moved on.

Well here i am. Its the end of a long day.Work,shopping,gym. I did it all today. But maybe one more feat to accomplish by this night. I want to get started on this.

There have been so many times in the past when a passing thought or an inspiring idea has prompted me to write.But i never had the means to.Or at least i never took the effort to find the means.And now its right here.

Didnt know where to start off tonight. Hell, I dont even know how to reply to comments on the guestbook as of now!! :D But i'll get there.